I can't possibly count the number of times my mother has rescued me from impending doom. She was constantly persuading my high school principal to let me stay in school. She repeatedly begged our local police chief not to press charges against me. Thanks, mommy. Happy Mother's Day.

My mother spent a lot of time chatting with the police chief and the high school principal. She always told them I was a perfect gentleman and a model citizen. They always roared with laughter. They both loved to hear a highly spirited and laughably ludicrous defense of the indefensible; and they both looked forward to her frequent visits.

My mother was always cheerful around the house. There were no tortured souls living under our roof. Thanks, mommy, for giving me a carefree childhood.mommy took me trick-or-treating one Halloween when I was five years old. The neighbors detained us at every stop because she always made them laugh. We only made three stops throughout the night, so I only got two candy bars and a lollipop for an entire night's work. But we sure had a lot of laughs for an easy night's work.

My mother is a compassionate soul, but she has no patience for unwarranted whining or complaining. If I whined or complained without justifiable cause she'd suggest I go outside and play with my friends. It worked every time. Thanks, mommy. I've always found there's nothing like running wild and free with a bunch of young thugs to take my mind off my imaginary woes.

Thanks for teaching me not to whine or complain. Thank you for teaching me to say "please" and "thank you." Thanks for reading to me when I was a child, and for holding me when I was afraid.

Thanks for teaching me to say my prayers. Those prayers sure came in handy whenever I got in trouble. I would have been lost without them.

I'd be lost without you, mamacita. I don't know where I'd be without you, but you can bet there'd be bars on the windows.

Thanks for marrying a hard working, virtuous man. He set a radiant example. I wish I had listened to his advice more often. Especially on Kentucky Derby Day in 1973. Your compassion and kindness must have been a great comfort for him as he neared the end of his life.

Thanks for my two glorious sisters. Their courage in adversity is unsurpassed. The many acts of kindness those two have done will live forever in my heart.

Thank you for being so kind to the women I have dated. They all deserved kindness. They were all gentle souls. Except, of course, for the redhead with the homicidal tendencies. I humbly apologize for her inappropriate behavior. I guess I've always been a sucker for a pretty face.

My mother just turned ninety-one. She's still at the top of her game. She quit smoking six years ago because it was reducing her energy. She rides her exercise bike every day and still drives her car. She has an occasional drink, and more than an occasional laugh. Mother has a cat named Consuela, and Consuela keeps her young.

Thanks for being my pal, Mom. Thanks for your moral guidance, and for your love.  Happy Mother's Day! God Bless You! I love you!

Butch Warren is a popular, longstanding bartender at the Taurus Steakhouse in Coconut Grove and a regular columnist for the Biscayne Bay Tribune.