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Bobby D., that hysterically funny, utterly mad Coconut
Grove entrepreneur, is dead.
It's heartbreaking. Bobby made everybody laugh
themselves silly whenever he came into the Taurus.
He had an endless supply of moneymaking schemes.
Unfortunately, most of them were doomed to failure. He always
presented his initial sales talk to Charlie Brown. If Charlie didn't
fall down laughing, Bobby felt he had a highly marketable product.
Bobby's crowning achievement was a new address book
made from a long strip of indestructible cloth. The address book also
could be worn as a necktie, scarf, headband, bandanna or babushka.
Sales surprisingly were a trifle sluggish. Apparently not everyone
felt comfortable wearing a babushka with telephone numbers printed on
it.
Bobby loved to attend Janeen's parties. Who wouldn't?
Janeen was beautiful. Her parties were wild. Her friends were crazy.
She had a ground-floor apartment facing the pool and her door was
always open. Everyone made theatrical entrances through that door.
Some sang, some danced, some sobbed uncontrollably. Janeen always
clutched her head in mock despair.
One day, Bobby rushed through the door carrying a huge
carton of niacin bottles. He claimed that niacin would cure everything
from Mad Cow Disease to Himalayan sloth pimples.
Janeen's startled guests demanded that that Bobby take
a triple dose of niacin to prove the product was safe. Bobby D. took
the triple dose, and then everyone there took a triple dose. There was
a knock at the door. Everyone jumped. No one usually knocked on
Janeen's door.
The knock belonged to an extremely eligible young
bachelor who was taking Janeen out to dinner. He was handsome, polite
and very well dressed.
Bobby asked him if he had ever tried to improve his
health with niacin. The eligible young bachelor apologized for never
having tried the product. Bobby offered him some niacin.
Then, Bobby's face turned fiery red. His eyes were
wild. He screamed that he was on fire. Bobby tore off his clothes, ran
shrieking out the door and jumped into the pool.
Niacin apparently should be taken in small doses.
Janeen clutched her head in despair.
The eligible young bachelor left without saying
goodbye. Janeen never heard from him again.
The scandalous story spread quickly all over the
Grove. The demand for niacin dropped dramatically.
Bobby sometimes borrowed money from me. Every loan
request was accompanied by an incredibly beautiful story. Bobby was
either taking Gwynneth Paltrow out for a pina colada, or taking
Cameron Diaz for a ride in a rickshaw. How could anyone possibly
refuse to loan him money? I hope you enjoyed your pina colada,
Gwynneth.
Bobby always paid me back. It was an honor to loan him
the money.
I miss you Bobby D. You brought a lot of happiness
into this world. I'll think of you everytime I look at my cloth
address book. And, every time I'm feeling sorry for myself I'll think
of the terrible trials you were forced to endure during your
tragically brief career in the niacin trade.
Butch Warren is a popular, longstanding bartender at
the Taurus Steakhouse in Coconut Grove and a regular columnist for the
Biscayne Bay Tribune.
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